Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely out of position. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more position wherever American Adult males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Everybody a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," Trump Tower Damascus said Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is previously attracting attention from Global investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even include:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."

One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories recommend:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."